Life is Funny
by The Apathetic Jackass
Summary: Lovino Vargas is a self-destructive teenager with far too many problems. Antonio Carriedo is a married Gym teacher with a smile like the sun. What happens next might not be okay. High School AU multiple pairings, eventual Spamano.
1. Chapter 1

Life is Funny

_By: The Apathetic Jackass_

**Disclaimer: I own an umbrella hat, but I do not own Hetalia.**

**Warning: This is rated M. So please expect mature subject matter. Please do not report me, you have been warned. If you cannot handle mature content, then please stop reading.**

**Written to: We Used to Wait by Arcade Fire  
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**A/N: HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOO. Recently just changed my pen name from Chill Out Its Just Me to The Apathetic Ass. I should really update my other stories, but I'm planning on re-writing them all and that's a pain in the ass so I'm putting that off by writing this! Hope you enjoy!**

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><p>He shouldn't be here. He doesn't need to be here.<p>

He gets average grades. Besides his cursing, he doesn't cause any trouble. He doesn't sleep around (or at least that's what everybody thinks) and he doesn't have any mental disorders. He doesn't have any terrible problems besides the situation with Ludwig, and that...

Well he can handle that.

So he shouldn't be here. He's just an average student. They should be talking to people like that suicidal guy from Lithuania, or that bipolar Hungarian bitch.

But instead Mr. Braginski calls for him.

He has no idea why.

So now he's waiting here, in this stupid chair that is giving him a rash, watching the crazy exchange student from Switzerland hit on the pretty receptionist who looks younger than he does. Usually he wouldn't have bothered come, but anything is better than sitting through another one of Mr. Oxensternia's lesson. Don't get him wrong, he's okay for a teacher, but no one can understand just what the fuck he's saying, and he just gave up trying. Usually he would find something to entertain himself, like think up new insults, or stare at the many mysterious stains on the ceiling, but he's pretty sure he's come up with every possible insult, and he can't get in a comfortable position in this goddamn chair so that he can observe the ceiling, so now he's reduced to watching the exchange student get more and more sexually frustrated with the oblivious receptionist.

"Lovino Vargas!" the counselor shouts from inside his office, just as the big-breasted school nurse leaves his office.

And as he walks towards the counselors office, he can't help but feel like a wave a shit is coming his way.

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><p>Now, Mr. Braginski is pretty cool. He lets students chill in his office, he writes you late-slips if you accidentally sleep in, and he's always there if you need to talk to him, but the bastard is fucking creepy. Even when he smiles, it's like there's this "Don't Fuck with Me Son" aura around him all the time. Because of DFWMS aura, most students are scared shitless of him. There are a few exceptions, Alfred, Matthew, Leon, and Lovino included. So when he walk in, he greets him with his signature "I'm Gonna Rape Your Entire Family" smile, and hands him a fresh tomato.<p>

As he sits down on the squishy arm-chair reserved for his favourite students, he faces Lovino and stares at him intently. After a while, Lovino started staring at the suspicious stains on the ceiling and listening to the rain fall to the ground.

"Lovino."

Man those stains are interesting.

"Are you okay?"

There's one kind of shaped like the Milky Way, spirals and everything.

"You look really tired, da?"

The rain kinda falls to a rhythm now that I'm really paying attention to it.

"Have you gotten any sleep lately?"

Kinda sounds like Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" .

"Lovino, I know you don't want to talk about this, but I'm worried about you."

Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo do just dance spin that record babe.

"You need help."

You know what? He thinks he can stand Mr. Oxensternia's lecture, even if it does sound like his mouth is full of shit. Before Lovino gets to the door though, Mr. Braginski grabs his wrist gently, stopping him from leaving.

"I'm just looking out for you Lovino, are you sure that every things fine?"

Looking at his round face and gentle (for once) smile, Lovino briefly entertains the idea of telling him everything. Everything with his parents, with his brother, and with Ludwig. He wonder what the expression on his face would be if Lovino lets the words stumble and trip out of his mouth, if he lets him know why Lovino doesn't sleep anymore.

But he decide not to. It's not as if he could understand.

So instead Lovino shook off his hand, and walked out the door.

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><p>Now like all high schools in America, Heta High has a class system, where those lucky bastards with their rich parents, good looks, and great personalities "rule the school". You have the other groups as well, the jocks, the stoners, the sluts, and other groups that essentially make up a high school. Now, an unknown fact is that every high school also has that one group of people who have nothing in common except for the fact that they're complete assholes. Lovino happens to be apart of that group. Not by choice really, just because they don't quite fit anywhere else, and they still have that instinctual need to be apart of some sort of pack, even if they don't exactly like each other. In our little group we have Alfred, Matthew, Leon, and Lovino.<p>

Alfred Jones the offensive guard on the football team, and would have been sitting at the dumb jocks table if only he managed to piss all of them off. He is also in love with his half brother Matthew (who despises him). Most of the girls adored him, but he was to busy staring at Matthew's ass to notice. Even though he talks big, he's just some big gay baby playing hero. You may think he's a dumbass, but he's a lot more manipulative than you would think.

Matthew Williams is an…interesting case. His entire life he's been ignored or forgotten in favour of Alfred, causing him to struggle with being better than Alfred in any way possible. Because of this, he became one of the sluttiest kids in school (Alfred was to busy fantasizing about Matthew to have sex), and would also be hanging out with all the sluts if only he wasn't a guy and if he wasn't such a cynical asshole. He pretends to be ignorant to Alfred's affections, but he bends over and licks too many lollipops in front of him to be totally oblivious.

Leon Kirkland is just a fucking anomaly. He barely talks, we know very little about his home life (all we know is that he's Asian and his entire family is British), and that he's incredibly successful with women. All the girls he gets with has this strange fantasy where they'll crack his silent exterior and see a sensitive guy that just wants love, and then they'll ride away in the sunset or some shit like that. In all actuality he's just a dick, but a useful dick so they keep him around.

Then there's Lovino Vargas, but there's not much about him to talk about.

Instead of contributing to today's mindless conversation (something about the nutritional value of clay), Lovino observed the dumbasses that occupy the table. Watched Alfred stare at how Matthews lips moved, how Matthew ate his burrito far too erotically to be considered natural, saw Leon discretely stare at that new kid from Iceland, and moment Lovino thought about how stupid it all was.

And for a moment, he thought about how he wished he could be like them.

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><p>Now, if there was one subject Lovino hated more than anything, it was Gym. It's not like he was that one obese kid in every class who despised the subject with his entire being, he was actually fairly fit. It's just that this was the only class where he actually had to put in some effort. Not only that, but the gym teacher, some Turkish bastard, was always on his ass. So when it was announced that Mr. Adnan retired and has been replaced by a new teacher, Lovino was ecstatic (or at least happier), until he actually met the teacher.<p>

Mr. Carriedo was quite possibly the most annoying fucker he had ever met.

This would not end well.

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><p><strong>Ho damn cliff hanger (kind of) ! This will be my first multi-chapter Hetalia fic (well, besides that manual fic, but I'll be deleting that.)<strong>

**There will be multiple pairings (which I will not reveal just because I'm a dickhead), but there will eventually be Spamano.**

**Also, the reason why I put Lithuania as sucidal and Hungary as bipolar is because Lithuania has the highest rate of suicide in the world and bipolar disorder is unusually high in Hungary.**

**Also, I changed my pen name from 'Chill Out its just me' to 'The Apathetic Jackass'.**

**Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

_Life is Funny_

_By: The Apathetic Jackass_

**Disclaimer: I own an unhealthy amount of Hello Kitty merchandise, but I do not own Hetalia or Sanrio Company.**

**Written to: Watercolour by Pendulum **

**A/N: I'm getting this out early because I have the time and inspiration. ON WITH THE SHOW!**

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><p>Lovino was right. The new gym teacher, Mr. Carriedo was incredibly irritating. He seemed to pay special attention to Lovino and was chattering in his ear the entire time, talking about his wife, his house, Spain, and how cute Lovino's blush was. Not even a slew of curses and a few well aimed kicks kept him away. What was with gym teachers? They always gave Lovino special attention (though last years Turkish bastard of a teacher gave him much more negative attention), and quite frankly he was fed up with it. He never did anything wrong! I mean sure he calls them bastards and doesn't listen to them, but that doesn't mean that they can pick on him like that! Not fair!<p>

Still, a small part of Lovino couldn't help but enjoyed it.

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><p>Lovino didn't want to go home. He really didn't want to go home. He could usually stay at one of his friend's place, but Leon's dad Arthur couldn't handle Lovino's sexiness (or was still mad because Lovino broke his priceless vase the last time he was over) and banned him from the house. Matthew's parents (well only Matthews dad, his mom was cool) had a "no sleepovers during the weekend" rule and Alfred's roomate Im Yong Soo said that he had the night shift at the restraunt he was working at.<p>

It was kind of sad that those three were his only friends.

Now you might be wondering why he was so desperate to get away from his own house, but he'd rather not think about it. He just wished that Ludwig would be cold today, and ignore him in favour of his brother. Ludwig was cruel, sick, twisted, sweet, kind,and Lovino was really really confused.

And when Lovino didn't understand something, he ran away. Call him a coward, but he just couldn't help it.

So when he opened the door to the house and was immediately greeted by Ludwig with a kiss, he immediately regretted his choice to not sleep outside.

"Where were you? I was getting worried. Feliciano is spending the night at his friend Kiku's place, so we'll have the house to ourselves."

Oh god, Lovino hates it. He hates it when he leads him to the dinner table where he made Lovino's favourite kind of pasta, he hates it when he feeds it to him, he hates it when they go to the couch and he sits Lovino in his lap, he hates how he hugs him close and whispers sweet nothings in his ear, he hates how he leads him upstairs to his bedroom afterwards, he hates how Ludwig kisses him and fills him up, he hates when they both finish, he hates how Ludwig tells him he loves him, and most of all he hates himself for not resisting and how happy it makes him.

But he doesn't hate Ludwig and for that he hates himself even more and wishes that he had the willpower to end this.

But he's never really been loved before and it feels both amazing and terrible at the same time and he's too weak to give it up now.

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><p>Once upon a time, Mina Cortez and Roma Vargas met at a party and had a one night stand. Three weeks later, Mina called Roma and told him that he was pregnant, and soon after they got married at only 18. They were both from prominent families, and if they didn't get married, there would be a huge scandal.<p>

So really, they didn't love each other at all.

As soon as Lovino was born, he was handed off to the many maids that his parents employed and his parents went off in separate directions, still married, but not really together.

So it was no surprise when one of the maids got pregnant with Roma's child a year later. When Feliciano was born, his birth was celebrated like Lovino's never was. It was kept secret of course, saying that it was Mina's child. When the children grew up, it was obvious who the favourite was. Feliciano was coddled by both parents, while Lovino was ignored. They took Feliciano on trips with them, painted with him, danced with him, and loved him like they never loved Lovino. Even Mina favoured Feliciano over her own child. While Feliciano was with their parents, Lovino was left by himself in the large house, with his only company being the hired maids, who where too busy to deal with him.

Things only got worse when Roma died, and Mina (who learned to love Roma) decided to travel around the world (in a selfish way of dealing with her grief) and told Lovino that he was old enough to take care of him and his brother.

Lovino was twelve when he was told this.

You could say that he raised himself.

Years later, when Lovino was sixteen and Feliciano was fifteen, their mother (ironically) thought that her children shouldn't be alone, so she sent a friend of hers that she met through her travels in Germany, Ludwig Beilschmidt. It was unknown why Ludwig, a twenty-nine year old with a stable job, would leave Germany to take care of the boys. All that was known was that he looked at a picture of the two, and agreed immediately.

Shortly after he arrived, he started dating Feliciano, and while Lovino found it mildly creepy, he couldn't really object (at the time he was sleeping with the sex-ed teacher) and he tolerated it. But he still had this foreboding feeling, and would sometimes catch Ludwig just staring at him. He ignored this, until one day, Feliciano was sleeping over at a friend's house, leaving Ludwig and Lovino alone.

Lovino doesn't like thinking about that night.

A few months afterwards, it was almost consensual. Ludwig would even buy Lovino flowers and chocolates.

Sometimes Lovino wonders if it would have made a difference if he screamed.

Not that he could, seeing as how Ludwig gagged him.

But he doesn't like to think about that.

And all this reminiscing is hurting his head, so Lovino got dressed, gave one last look at the sleeping German, and ran out of the house.

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><p><strong>casually inserts Germano**

**Anyways, I'm sorry for the lack of Spain, but I promise there will be a lot of him next chapter! I just kind of wanted to explain Lovino's situation more. And please don't kill me for demonizing Germany! He's not really a bad guy (kind of)! It will all be explained in later chapters!**

**Thanks to Scarlet daydreamer, Losuien, Map of the Stars, and animebaka14 for reviewing! And thank you to all who added Life is Funny to your Favourites or Story Alerts!**

**Please Review!**


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